Four Steps to a More Meaningful, Less Commercialized Holiday — with Kids

by Marie Sherlock

With its focus on family and faith, December should represent an ideal opportunity to model and teach simplicity's tenets to our children. Paradoxically, it has become the season when families face the greatest obstacles in their efforts to downshift. Many of us are never more saturated and less satisfied, more full yet more empty, than during the holidays, when our society stages its ultimate display of materialism. And all the commotion comes from the simplest of origins: having enough lamp oil for eight nights, celebrating the return of daylight and observing the birth of a child in an animal's manger.

If this is the plight of our culture generally, it's even harder for those of us with kids. Take Kate Rhoad's family of The Woodlands, Texas. Before 1993, Kate says her family had a mainstream American holiday, overdoing everything. They spent as much as $1,000 just on gifts, even when they had only one child to buy for. (They now have three.) "There were huge amounts of presents under the tree, stuff the kids didn't need and couldn't appreciate," Kate says. The family found itself buying too much, doing too much — and not enjoying the result.

"It was hectic, we were too busy. The kids felt it too. We just didn't have fun," recalls Kate.

In 1993, Kate and her family decided to scale down both the overdoing and the overbuying aspects of the season. They sat down at the end of November with the December calendar. "We made a list of things we really wanted to do over Christmas and put them on the calendar," explains Kate. They chose low-key, family-friendly activities like reading stories while drinking cocoa and going caroling with friends.

The Rhoads now exchange simple, often homemade gifts that engage the children in the process of giving. For example, the entire family cooks up a batch of barbecue sauce and delivers it to neighbors. They make picture frames for in-laws with photos of the kids in them. The family's annual holiday price tag now reaches about $200 for everything — from gifts to décor — and the children have a wonderful time.

"Our intention is renewal, and all that buying had nothing to do with renewal," says Kate. "I love the fact that we've made these changes."

A Formula for Simplifying the Holidays
The Rhoad family's holiday transformation — from "Crassmess" to Christmas — mirrors the promise that living more simply offers year-round. By doing away with distractions and focusing on what matters most to us and our children, we find our lives filled with meaning, purpose and happiness.

Here are four steps to get you started on your family's quest for a holiday with more fun, less stuff ... and happy kids.

1. Search Your Soul
The big fear for parents is that downscaling will somehow cause their kids to suffer, feel deprived, or even unloved. Experts stress that that's not the case. In Unplug the Christmas Machine, authors Jo Robinson and Jean Coppock Staeheli point to four things that children really want during the holidays: a relaxed and loving time with the family, realistic expectations about gifts, an evenly paced holiday season, and reliable family traditions. In other words, kids really want a simplified celebration, too. Focusing on the "warm, fuzzy" elements of the holidays — family get-togethers and treasured rituals — will ensure that you and your kids have lifelong, cherished holiday memories.

Robinson and Staeheli ask participants at their workshops to fantasize about their "perfect holiday." Give yourself a few moments to do this too. Close your eyes and visualize your dream holiday. Think of what you're doing, with whom and where, and of the sights, smells, tastes and feelings. Have your kids visualize their "perfect holiday," too. They will undoubtedly mention gifts! Ask them what their perfect celebration might involve beyond presents.

The responses that Robinson and Staeheli receive have similar (simple!) themes. The core of most families' holiday fantasies include "simple gifts, natural decorations, a fire, traditional food, leisurely schedules, music, time spent out of doors, an emphasis on family activities."

For most families, the journey from fantasy to fulfillment will involve concentrating on meaningful rituals and de-emphasizing the gift-giving tradition.

2. Focus on Meaningful Traditions
Make a list of all of your seasonal activities and obligations, even if you don't consider them to be "traditions." Which events and activities are meaningful and which aren't? Which ones reflect your values? Could your list use some tweaking, or maybe deletions and additions?

The key to de-emphasizing the season's materialism is to make your other holiday rituals interesting, fulfilling and fun. As Linda McDonough of Chapel Hill, North Carolina explains, "[my family has] so many great Advent and Christmas rituals that they overshadow the gifts."

The most treasured holiday rituals — those mentioned in people's "holiday fantasies" — typically involve family and friends, faith, nature, charity, music and the arts, or some combination of these. Here's a look at some new and old favorites:

Family/friends
Activities involving family and friends are perhaps the most important ones of the holidays; they can also, however, be the most tension-filled. If you feel stressed, chances are the entire family will feel stressed, too.

If elaborate dinners and parties are stressful for you, consider moving toward the twin goals of "potluck" and "casual." Instead of racing to multiple family get-togethers, spread the gatherings out and give yourself free time between obligations.

Linda McDonough's extended family gathers in the week after the holidays. Her parents, three siblings, and all of the grandkids come together for a potluck and modest gift exchange. "It's a good way to avoid the December 26th letdown," notes Linda, for both kids and adults.

Rituals that focus on family, friends and community take many forms. For example, Linda and her two daughters conduct a "cookie sneak" on St. Nicholas' Eve, the night of December 5th, baking gingerbread cookies and then "sneaking" them around to neighbors, leaving the treats anonymously on door steps. The kids love it, says Linda, and they learn the joy of giving in the process.

Faith
There are many faith-based rituals to draw upon. Your church may offer advent activities like caroling. Rhonda Ramos's church in Norman, Oklahoma, holds an Advent Workshop at the beginning of December, where kids and adults make gingerbread houses and homemade crafts to give as presents.

On each of the eight nights of Hanukah, Anne Prahl of Portland, Oregon reads a Jewish story to her two sons after lighting the menorah. Anne's sons still receive a gift on each night of Hanukah, but the gifts are very small, except on the eighth night when a few presents are opened. "They'll get one little gift, maybe a candy bar or some Silly Putty," says Anne. "I want to keep the focus on Hanukah," she explains — on listening to the Hanukah stories, playing dreidel and spending time together. "The kids look forward to these rituals all year long," says Anne.

Nature
Many families, like the Rhoads, observe the winter solstice on December 21st, with a simple candle-lighting ceremony. Others decorate an outdoor tree with edible "ornaments," like cranberries and popcorn, for their bird friends. Nature walks and sledding are also great ways to include the outdoors in your holiday plans.

Charity
Charitable rituals are particularly important for many simple living families. For example, the Hanukah tradition of charity, Tsedaka, inspires many Jewish families to make volunteering and charitable donations a part of their holiday.

Simple living parents note that traditions like Tsedaka mesh perfectly with the values they hope to instill in their children year-round. Rhonda Ramos, for example, says that "we want our children to know that happiness comes from a feeling of peace inside, regardless of how much stuff we have in our homes. They need to see the bigger picture of the world and know how many people still need to have their basic needs met." Rhonda and her two children participate in an "angel buying" program at a local bookstore, purchasing a gift for a child that might not otherwise receive one. The Rhoad family kids "adopt a family" (buying holiday food and gifts for them) each year with money they've saved for that purpose throughout the year.

Music/The Arts
How many people still go caroling during the holidays, or simply sing around the piano? Unfortunately, crooning cherished holiday tunes is something we now leave to the "professionals" on our CD players. Many churches offer caroling as part of their December repertoire. You can often join with a neighborhood church even if you aren't a member.

Making homemade gifts allows us to tap into our creative sides — all of us have them! — to produce low-cost, meaningful gifts. Visit the Center's holiday site, www.simplifytheholidays.org, for more information.

Fun
Remember that treasured traditions don't need to be complicated, or even particularly profound. Sometimes they're just fun! Driving around looking at Christmas lights with a thermos of hot chocolate is a simple, enjoy able holiday routine. Eating cookies and singing carols on the way to picking out the tree is another.

If possible, parents should try to schedule additional time off during December, to take part in some of these rituals and just to "hang out" with the family.

3. Downscale Gift Giving
What children "need" most for the holidays are realistic expectations about what they'll be receiving. To aid the transition to a simpler holiday, tell them ahead of time about your downshifting efforts. If your children are very young, you can probably wean them without their knowledge. For older kids, try a combination of focusing on fun, meaningful rituals along with some advance warning about your downscaling. Limiting television viewing during the months of November and December has also been shown to cure the "gimmes" during the holidays and year-round.

One way to de-emphasize gift giving while keeping it fun is to have a "white elephant" gift exchange with the whole family. While exact rules for this tradition vary, many families follow this approach: Everyone brings a wrapped gift to the gathering. Typically the gifts must be secondhand or garage sale items; the idea is to recycle items, not use more resources. Numbers are drawn, and the first person opens a gift. The second person can either open another gift, or take the first person's gift (in which case the first person unwraps a second gift). The third person can either open a gift or take one from the gifts already opened. Everyone continues opening and "stealing" until all the gifts are unwrapped. Gifts can only be "stolen" twice; the third owner keeps the gift. Creativity and humor are hallmarks of white elephant exchanges. Many families have gifts that resurface year after year — treasures like singing fish plaques and hideous hats.

For the "real" gifts that you exchange, make them meaningful. Choose durable games instead of fad toys, buy from local artisans and independent stores, and look for organizations that donate proceeds to charities.

4. Start Planning for Next Year's Holidays
It may be too late this year to do much about your extended family's consumer-extravaganza. But December is the perfect time to start downshifting discussions with your kids. "When you're in the midst of it," reasons Linda McDonough, "is the best time to talk about it."

Linda points out that her extended family took a decade to progress from everyone buying everyone expensive gifts to their current practice of each family member drawing only one name. Despite the time and effort, she emphasizes, "it's worth it." Your ultimate reward will be in the fun you have with your kids, at the holidays and all year round.

Resources
Organizations/Web Sites

Books
  • Unplug the Christmas Machine: A Complete Guide to Putting Love and Joy Back into the Season by Jo Robinson and Jean Coppock Staeheli
  • Hundred Dollar Holiday: The Case for a More Joyful Christmas by Bill McKibben
  • "Whose Birthday is it, Anyway?" pamphlet published by Alternatives for Simple Living
  • While the Candles Burn: Eight Stories for Hanukkah by Barbara Diamond Goldin

Marie Sherlock is the author of Living Simply with Children: A Voluntary Simplicity Guide for Moms, Dads and Kids Who Want to Reclaim the Bliss of Childhood and the Joy of Parenting (Three Rivers Press) available in bookstores this January.

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